


So Far, This is the Oldest I’ve Been

by mythras_fire



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: And is going to get lucky on his birthday, Bucky Barnes is one lucky bastard, Dialogue-Only, Domestic Avengers, Established Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Everything is Beautiful and Nothing Hurts, Group chat, M/M, Steve Rogers is Not a Virgin, Steve Rogers's Birthday, birthday card shenanigans, satellite pseudoscience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-06-05 14:13:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15172448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mythras_fire/pseuds/mythras_fire
Summary: Steve and Bucky are holed up in a cabin somewhere off the grid on an undercover stakeout on the Fourth of July. JARVIS finagles a way for the Avengers to wish Steve a happy birthday. Afterward, Steve gets to open his birthday present. Contrary to what you might think, Steve is very excited about turning 100 because, having become a centenarian last year, Bucky is only too happy to welcome him to the club ;)





	So Far, This is the Oldest I’ve Been

**Author's Note:**

> ~ What a great way to spend the holiday! I saw several other fics posted this morning to celebrate Steve's 100th birthday, which inspired me to spend all day writing up a little tribute of my own XD  
> ~ All of the birthday greetings mentioned were borrowed from Pinterest. 'End of All Days' lyrics come from 30 Seconds To Mars' Love Lust Faith + Dreams album. Title of the story comes from the great George Carlin.

Wed, Jul 4, 21:45 – connection secured –

Ms. Potts: Happy Birthday, Steve!  
Stark: happy bday old man  
Natasha: You guys in the clear?  


Yeah, Natasha, we’re good.  
Thanks, guys

Bruce: Happy Birthday, Steve

Hi Bruce :)  
Bucky- Thanks for packing that chamomile tea, man,  
that shit is goood

Bruce: glad you like it ^^  
Natasha: What happened to the phone I gave you, James?

Bucky- Ummm...  
Go on, Buck, tell the Black Widow what happened to your phone  
Bucky- no thanks, I like my balls where they are

Clint: heh i’ll bet steve does too B-)  
Thor: JOYOUS BE THIS DAY OF YOUR BIRTH, CAPTAIN!

Bucky- gimme back the phone! Hah you know it! B-)  
Don’t elbow me with that thing! no youre a jerkface-- XD thanks, Thor!

Ms. Potts: JARVIS says we only have about 10 minutes before  
the satellites swing back around, so we’ll try to make this quick  
Clint: happy birthday, Steve! Hope you guys get to see some fireworks

Thanks, Clint!  
Bucky- me too! I think there’s a window in the  
bedroom that’ll let us see out

Stark: you ready for your birthday cards cap?  
Clint: weve got presents waitin when you guys get bakc

Oh geez  
Bucky- yeah he is!

Bruce: lemme go first while Steve still likes us

LOL  
That doesn’t sound ominous at all  
Bucky- *cackles* see stevie i knew they were gonna come through  
Part of htis is payback for my bday y’know that right

Stark: Hahhahahaha  
Thor: THAT WAS INDEED A JOVIAL OCCASION, SARGEANT  
Bruce: Ok, well

Bucky- jovial for you maybe :/  
You’re gonna make me regret giving you those trick candles arent you  
Bucky- oh just you wait until later sweetheart >:)

Bruce: *ahem*  
Bruce: we’re just gonna type these out since we’re on an old  
School text-only connection  
Bruce: “I’m not 100, I’m 26 with 74 years’ experience”

Darn tootin’! XD  
Thanks, Bruce, I like the positive spin on that ;) 

Bruce: you’re welcome :)

Bucky- yeah, ‘specially cuz they’re  
prolly all gonna go downhill from there :P

Clint: LOL how’d you guess?  
Stark: Pep, can I go next?  
Ms. Potts: No  
Stark: *pouts*  
Thor: ALLOW ME TO CONGRADULATE YOU SHILED BROTHER  
FOR TODAY YOU ARE ABOUT THIRTY-SIX THOUSAND SEVEN-HUNDRED  
FOURTY-TWO AND A HALF DAYS OLD! A FINE YOUNG AGE TO BE

O_o  
Wow  
Bucky- holy shit man  
And i thought using years made us sound old

Stark: why does he get to swear and not get yelled at?!  
Natasha: Because it’s Bucky, Stark  
Stark: *pouts again*

Bucky- >:P

Stark: dammit how do you flip someone the bird with ASCII characters  
Ms. Potts: You don’t, Tony, leave Bucky alone

Thanks, Thor, I’ll have to ask Bruce to help me  
with your birthday card when your birthday rolls around haha

Bruce: that’ll be a fun math project :P  
Clint: Ok my turn!  
Nat wouldn’t let me get you the card i picked out so  
I had to go with this one instead (but maybe i can show  
You when you guys get back cuz i bought it anywertuio  
OW!

You okay, Clint?  
Bucky- yeah he’s fine, just got his wings clipped a little bit hehehehe

Natasha: сволочь

Bucky- люблю тебя тоже ;)

Clint: ha ha, can’t get me now im sitting all the w  
OWWW dammit woman that stings

Bucky- XDXDXDXD

Ms. Potts: Guys, if you’re quite finished, JARVIS informs  
Me that we only have a few minutes left  
Clint: Ok ok here’s mine, Steve :)  
“Over the hill? What hill? Where? When? I don’t remember any hill.”

I don’t understand that reference  
But I’m sure you’ll have fun explaining it to me, Clint ;)  
Thank you!

Stark: ROFLMAO  
Clint: LOL no prob bob

Bucky- HAH! That’s a good one, Barton *high five*

Clint: thanks, man  
*high five*  
Natasha: “If you got stung by a jellyfish I would totally pee on you”

...  
Bucky- Dude, she’s your Joey

Ms. Potts: Awww, I love that episode  
Natasha: Me too

Is that a good thing?

Bruce: Steve, Natasha just quoted a line from FRIENDS, remember  
That tv show we watched last week? With the 6 friends who live in  
The Village?

Yeah...

Bruce: while Peeing on someone’s jellyfish sting to make  
the pain stop is actually science fiction, not fact, the gesture  
behind it is that she’d do whatever it takes to make  
you feel better when you’re hurt

Ohhhhh...  
Oh ok, um, thanks Natasha for having my back then  
Bucky- that’s real sweet, Nat, would you pee on me, too?

Natasha: In a heartbeat, брат <3  
Stark: What about me??  
Natasha: I hope your suit packs antiseptic spray  
Stark: *pouts some more*  
Ms. Potts: I, too, am going to give you my card  
before certain people get a chance to ruin your fun ;)  
Clint: *coughstarkcough*  
Stark: HEY!  
Bruce: Is for horses, good job, Tony

Bucky- *snickers*

Ms. Potts: Steve, picture a wheel of the finest French cheese  
That’s just been sliced open. “You’re aged to perfection.  
Happy Birthday!”

Awwww, that’s lovely, Pepper, thank you.  
Now I’m hungry for some good ol’ brie and crackers ^^

Ms. Potts: I’m sure JARVIS can help you out with that  
When you get back ;)  
JARVIS: Indubitably, Ms. Potts. Happy 100th Birthday, Captain Rogers  
And many happy returns

Thanks, JARVIS, youre the best! XD

Stark: Of course he’s the best cuz I programmed him that way  
*drumroll please* Annnnnd saving the best for last!  
I’m going to wow you with a version of the happy birthday  
Song that you’ve probably never heard before

Bucky- oh boy this oughta be good >.<

Stark: Shut it Barnes  
Ok *ahem* “Happy Birthday to you / You live in a zoo /  
You look like a monkey / and you smell like one, too!”  
Bruce: You guys don’t know how lucky you are that you  
Couldn’t hear that  
THOR: I LOVE THIS SONG! BUT I THOUGHT THE GOOD  
CAPTAIN LIVED HERE IN THE TOWER?

Bucky- LMAO  
And never want to hear – or see – again.

Stark: Bruce! You wound me.  
Ms. Potts: Tony...  
Stark: Fine.  
Clint: He does, buddy, I’ll tell you about it later.  
Stark: “Knowing someone as AWESOME as Me  
should be the only present you need”

bucky- Wow, these just keep getting better and better  
And by better you mean worse, right? -_-  
Bucky- oh absolutely

Ms. Potts: TONY! >:(  
Clint: You know what, that one sounds like it was written  
specifically for Tony  
As a present to himself hahaha

Bucky- Oooh burn!

Stark: Hardy har har. Ok, here’s my real card. No, really.  
“On your birthday, I’m reminded of your best quality.  
THOR: A LOVELY SENTIMENT, FRIEND TONY.  
Stark: You’ll always be older than me.”

*heavy sigh* Spoke too soon

Stark: What?! Come on, that was comic gold right there.  
Bruce: Uh-oh. Pepper just shared a look with Natasha.

Bucky- ‘The’ look?

Bruce: Yup.  
Clint: *dum dum dum dum da da da da da da dum*  
Stark: You guys suck

>:)  
Bucky- ditto

Stark: O_O  
Did he?  
Did he just?  
Was that a  
O_______o  
Clint: OMG I think you just broke Tony, Steve. LOL  
Bruce: Now that is the perfect picture card. Didja get  
That reaction on tape, JARVIS?  
JARVIS: Indeed, Dr. Banner.

Bucky- awesome!  
Sorry, Pepper

Ms. Potts: No worries, Steve ;) I’m going to enjoy  
The silence while it lasts  
Natasha: me too  
JARVIS: Ms. Potts, the satellites are maneuvering back  
Into position and this connection will once again be  
detectable in 30 seconds  
Natasha: Ok, you heard the AI  
Bruce: Have a happy birthday and stay safe, guys!  
Clint: Lucky dog, you get fireworks for your birthday  
every year. take care  
THOR: MAY YOUR WEB BE SPUN TIGHTLY WITH THAT  
WHICH MAKES YOU STRONGER, HAPPY, AND WISE

Whoa. That’s deep man  
Thanks, guys! Happy 4th!

Natasha: time to go, enjoy your birthday present, Steve >;)  
Pepper: *hugs!*  
Stark: present? what present? I thought all of his presents were

Bucky- “Roses are red / but sometimes they’re thorny /  
When i think of steve i get kinda

Stark: GOTTAGOKTHXBAI

Wed, Jul 4, 21:55 – connection closed –

~*~

“Huh, I never pegged Tony for a homophobe.”

“What makes you say that, Stevie?” 

“Every time I said something even the least bit salty, he got all flustered and I’m sure there was lots of arm-flailing going on in the common room where they were all huddled around their phones.”

“You crack me up sometimes, Rogers. Ok, most of the time. That wasn’t homophobia, that was the inability of his brain to reconcile the purest of the pure, stoutest of the stout, most forthright of the um, uh forth: the Captain America of his youth, with a flesh and blood, living, breathing Steve Rogers of his present, who lets people assume that he’s as pure as the driven snow because that’s how they view Captain America, and because of his sly gambit, they miss seeing what I see.”

“Yeah? And what do you see, O Wise One?”

“I see a man with the biggest heart in the world, so big in fact that it didn’t need any help from the serum. A man with a stubborn loyalty streak so long that not even time travel 70+ years into the future could shake it from his back.”

“That’s not the only thing I can do on my back.”

“And don’t I fucking know it. Here we have Exhibit A: A man with a mind so filthy and a mouth so devious that I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure I’m really here and that you’re not just a dream... OUCH! The fuck, Rogers! Careful ’round the nipples.”

“Oh, I can certainly help you out in the pinching department. Or biting. Or--”

“My point being! ... that Tony has no conceptualization of you as a sexual being because you never show him that side of yourself and you just let his assumptions run amok. Which is fine by me because if he ever did I would have to put him out of his misery. And I don’ think that Pepper would appreciate that. And I do NOT want to ever be on her shit list.”

“Ok ok, I get it. I’ll leave him alone. Maybe. Probably. Unless he really starts annoying the shit outta me.”

“Great, but gimme time to make popcorn and grab a comfy chair if you do decide to mess with him.”

“Deal. Now, on to more important things, like what’d you get me??”

“Ah yes, how could I forget? A man who’ll always be, at least on the inside, that impatient, skinny little punk from Brooklyn full of piss and vinegar who couldn’t fight his way out of a paper bag but who’d be damned if he let anyone say as much. What’s your hurry? Don’t get your knickers in a bunch. In fact, you could just lose the knickers altogether, save me some time later.”

“Oooooh, I already like the direction this present is headed!”

“Oh, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, babydoll, but first there’s the matter of your birthday card. Don’t look so crestfallen, I know you better than they do.”

“Better than I know myself I’d wager.”

“You bet your fightin’ Irish arse I do.”

“So long, knickers!”

“Hahaha, farewell! K here you go.”

Envelope -  
From: Bucky  
To: Steve  
Happy 100th Birthday to my best guy

Front of card: *image of a simple birthday cake with one lit candle in the middle*  
Can I blow your birthday candle*?

*hint hint

“YES, PLEASE!”

“Easy tiger, first you should probably open the card.”

Inside card: *line drawing of two stick figures making the capital letter K with their bodies*  
You’re my favorite thing to do ♥

“This is the best birthday card EVER.”

“Well, you made up for the trick candles for my centenarian celebration last year, so I thought it only fair that I return the favor.”

“...”

“I’ll take that gaping maw and those fuck-me-silly blue gems you call eyes to mean that you approve. You might want to close your mouth, though, it’s starting to drool, and you’ll want to be saving up all that saliva for what I have planned for you after I blow your ‘birthday candle’.”

“Oh boy oh boy oh boy I can’t – wait, where’s the catch – there has to be a catch, that doesn’t sound like a punishment at all.”

“Have you been listening to the musicians on the list that Clint gave you?”

“Well, yeah, but what does that have—”

“Have you listened to _End of All Days_ yet?”

“...Yes.”

_I punish you with pleasure / And pleasure you with pain_

“Then you can anticipate a little of both. Annnnd you’re drooling again. Right, come on, let’s get going. I want to see how long I can last while I do reverse cowboy with your hands tied to the bedframe.”

“Oh fuck yeah! If we time it right, we may even get to watch the fireworks finish while we do.”

“A climax worthy of the most patriotic pyrotechnics display of the entire year? Only for you, sweetheart.”

“Happy Birthday to me!”

~Fin


End file.
